FEMALE EJACULATION

Women ejaculate, too. It is just that there is no girl I know that gives a fuck. Guys on the other hand love spunk all over the place and they don’t care where it lands. Some guy’s will even ask if you can feel them spurt on your cervix cause their load is shooting out so hard. The answer to that, for the record, is no.

Some guy’s deepest regret is that they never saw the girl they were banging 'squirt' – they felt a wet spot but missed the show. One particular guy I knew would eulogise his ex-girlfriend like this: She had two great talents – one was that she could play the entire hits of 2Unlimited on the piano and the other was that he got her to squirt a bit once. Clearly to guy, finding a squirter up their with being able to suck your own cock – pretty fucking awesome. It is convenient to speculate that an ugly girl who squirts has a higher fuckability factor that a pretty one who doesn’t. So what is it they are expecting to see? A face full like Samantha got in Sex in the City? Would a guy rub it on his nipples and lick his lips given the chance?

The science of the situation is without the big words that sound like names for a venereal disease, girls pee hole tube runs through vagina tissue that gets sensitised through sexual arousal. In between the tube and the vagina are the Gräfenberg glands [aka G-spot] and joining the pee tube and the pee hole opening is what some guy called Skene's glands. With orgasm, tests have shown that these glands release on average about a teaspoon of a slightly milky alkaline fluid. Sometimes the fluid runs back up the pee tube towards the bladder, sometimes it seeps out the pee hole and very occasionally it can squirt out. Occasionally it mixes with pee or there is more of a build up of this liquid and it can squirt out more than a teaspoonful. It is most likely that in porn movies people who look like they squirting with loads of clear liquid gushing out all over the satin sheets thrown over some sofa are faking it by peeing instead. But who is to say that if a girl pisses when she comes and it feels good is doing a bad thing? I remember once standing in the bath with my little sister and I got all excited and ended up pissing in her eye. I felt great about that actually – was it my first ejaculation? Some people go so far as to believe that if a girl pees during orgasm, that IS female ejaculation. Check the-clitoris.com but beware the occasional stomach churning feminism.

For the majority of the female population, it seems that there are various methods that claim to turn a non-squirter into your regular Super Soaker: all of which look like they take a lot of time, practice and laying down clean sheets in case you piss the bed practising. The results though aren’t for girls. It is a show and tell for the guys – cause they don’t know half the time when a girl is even faking or not.

Next time you have the chance, ask girls you know about squirting [and I asked a Canadian exotic dancer specialising in pole work and just won a position to compete in the sex show Olympics, her lesbian girlfriend, my boss who was a Playboy nudie model, an art director at an image library, a make-up artist and the girl who sings opera for Venetian Snares] and I guarantee the first thing she would say is “Eurgh as if sex isn’t messy enough as it is.” The exception to that rule is if you ask the members of Suicidegirls.com – they will add that they can squirt to their profile to make themselves sound more interesting – but it is the same way the female contestants on Big Brother all say that they are bi-sexual.

Why is squirting so important? Male ego? Maybe it even has some similarities to a particular bird’s mating ritual, which I viewed with a mixture of intrigue and feeling grossed out on some nature show. Big Bird turns Lady Bird on by pecking her in the vagina with his beak until she squirts out all the old come left behind by other birds who have given her one earlier that day. Then the bird gets his little pencil dick out [it’s so thin I was shocked to see it didn’t snap – he must have been packing major wood] to give her one of the fastest fucks from behind in the animal kingdom. But regardless of the golden showers, the final cumshot of this is: All girls release a little bit of fluid at least internally, some girls ooze, very few squirt and if you have given a girl head, you most likely already swallowed.